Personal; Radiotherapy 2 weeks down, 4 to go

All we hear is, radio ga ga

I think in a bid to answer some questions people might want to ask I'm going to write this in the style of an interview. Let's see how it goes!

[I] = Interviewer (you, the reader)

[N] = Naomi (me)
Bold italics = scene setting and actions

As I approach Naomi's room I see her sat the desk wearing a fox onesie, she looks tired. However, with a recently shaved head she looks confident. When she notices me she stands and holds out her hand to shake mine.

"Naomi hands one from her well stocked stationary-shop of a desk"

[I] Good afternoon Naomi.

[N] Hello, do come in and sit down. Would you like the chair, the bed, the beanbag? I know you want the beanbag, here, let me... Naomi picks up the pile of freshly washed clothes balanced on the beanbag and moves them carefully to the end of her bed before gesturing to sit.

[I] Thank you for letting me talk to you today I really appreciate it; I'll get a better idea of how to discuss this subject with you and maybe other people who may be having a similar experience...?

[N] Looking pensive she turns to look at me as she goes back to the desk chair. Everyone has a different experience and I think I'm coping weirdly well. I can see which parts they would find more troubling where I am pretty zen and neutral about it...

[I] How so?

[N] Well, even just thinking about when I got my radiotherapy mask moulded it was quite an intimate and close experience. I had a cast made of the back of my head to make a headrest and then had a warm malleable mesh sheet of plastic placed on and moulded over my face while I lay down with my eyes closed... There is a lot of trust you have to place into the hands of your medical team. While I lay there with the plastic mesh sheet cooling, drying and hardening around my face I could see that could be a point where one may panic!

[I] Yes... I can see how that could be quite distressing...

[N] So, do you have any specific questions?

[I] Ah, yes! I get my notepad out and rummage in my bag for a pen, Naomi hands one from her well stocked stationary-shop of a desk. Thanks

[N] No bother. She smiles warmly

[I] Okay, so, question 1... What treatment have you had and what are you currently having?

[N] A deep sigh exudes as Naomi sits straighter in her chair. I've had 2 "de-bulking" brain surgeries to remove most of the tumour and I am currently undergoing a 6 week course of radiotherapy.

[I] What does that entail?

[N] Well, firstly it includes a LOVELY and supportive medical team. From the moulding room technician to the radiographers everyone is so kind and wonderful. Yes, I know that's not what you mean but it's something that needs to be said.

I travel to have my therapy so firstly I make the 2 - 2.5hr hour journey by car to my treatment centre where I will receive therapy once a day every weekday. I arrive later on on Mondays and stay in the city during the week and head back early Friday morning; this is so I can have relatively long weekends back in my own home. The actual treatment takes about 5 minutes out of my day so the bulk of my time is actually travelling.

"Wait, what? The therapy only takes 5 minutes?"

[I] Wait, what? The therapy only takes 5 minutes? I thought you had to go in for like half a day or something!

[N] No, the treatment is really quick. It's like having a CT scan or an X-ray. I lie on the treatment bed in my bespoke headrest wearing a swimming cap (this isn't a fashion choice, just part of the garb) Then they put the mask over my face and secure it to the table with poppers/press studs

[I] Like on a coat or jacket? Why?

[N] Yeah, but bigger I suppose? The mask/headrest are to make sure you are in the same position so the radio treatment, specifically calculated for each person/case, targets the right area every time. You go in the same room every time and are calibrated with beams of light (lasers) so the bed is in the right position every time too. It's incredibly technical! So in regard to the poppers it's to keep everything still and in position. Some people would find this restriction very difficult but I am able to detach and relax so I don't find it so bad; I mean it's not all that comfortable or pleasant but I cope.

"Then they put the mask over my face and secure it to the table with poppers/press studs"

[I] Do you feel anything?
[N] No. And I think that makes it quite difficult to grasp. It's so quick and I don't have anything invasive done so it really doesn't feel like anything has happened at all! Am I tired because of the treatment, because I'm away from home and emotional, because of the travel? It's hard to know where one thing starts and another begins... The only thing I'm aware of in the room during treatment is a static crackle and sometimes the machine moving but other than that, nothing.

[I] How do you feel about it all?
[N] She lets out a single, choked "ha" and gives a look that asks "what a stupid question" Well... I'm tired and I don't know when my emotions are going to cave in on themselves... but other than that she shrugs her shoulders and raises an eyebrow, to be completely honest I have no idea how I feel, mainly neutral and detached? There is a high pitched panic in the back of my head in regard to possible side effects to come but they haven't come yet so it's blind undirected panic. I try to push it aside as best I can.

[I] Side effects?
[N] Naomi looks uncomfortable and begins to fiddle with a small pebble in her hand that I hadn't noticed before Hair loss, skin irritation, tiredness, general lack of energy or drive... As I said, I don't know what will hit, when and to what degree these may happen. So I can't really place my feelings toward any of it.
[I] What's that? I gesture toward the pebble
[N] This? She holds it out, resting in the palm of her hand It keeps me calm... Sometimes when my mind is racing this pebble and it's textures along with a very controlled focus on my breathing is enough to keep the emotion from falling out. She looks mildly upset... I panic worrying that I've upset her

[I] I think I've asked a lot of you here...
[N] No, don't worry about it.
[I] I'll leave it at that though, thank you for sharing this with me. She stands from the chair and I struggle out of the beanbag I've been sinking into
[N] That's quite alright Naomi gestures to the door and I walk ahead towards it. If you have any other questions just get in touch, I don't know what people want to know; I can't cover every quandary... We hover in the door frame awkwardly. Well, so long! Hope this was useful? Can you see yourself out or shall I take you to the front door?
[I] I'll take myself out don't worry, thanks again it's been really insightful. I walk away from the door to head downstairs to the front door. As I turn my back the door closes and I hear a sigh from inside and footsteps plodding back to her desk. I can't quite believe her situation and I don't think she can either; it must be so surreal...

Naomi